Could you win an Olympic Gold Medal just by watching Musicals? Join us as we explain every Olympic Sport through the joy of jazz hands. So grab a leotard, a cane and a pair of ruby slippers and in a few short minutes you could find yourself on the winner’s podium without ever leaving Kansas City!
Archery
Description: Take turns pretending to be either Maid Marion or Friar Tuck.
Training: Watch the Dutch version of Robin Hood Das Musical whilst pinging elastic bands at the TV.
Athletics
Description: Choose between Running, Jumping or Throwing. Includes the “Discuss”, where people talk about important issues while chucking plates. Training: Settle down with a copy of Shirley Valentine and a Kebab. Then rather than doing the dishes, just smash the plates on the floor.
Badminton
Description: One or more people try to hit a small bird called a “shuffle cock” with a child’s tennis bat.
Training: Watch Bye Bye Birdie while throwing chicken nuggets into your neighbour’s garden.
Basketball
Description: Several very tall people try to put a ball in a basket not realising there is a hole in the bottom.
Training: Listen to Michael Jordan’s Ball from Full Monty, The Musical with an ice cold beer.
BMX
Description: Adults on children’s bikes completely ignore safety notices. Training: Buy the Anna, Elsa and Olaf Bicycle and watch how they do it.
Boxing
Description: Two people in giant mittens try to make each other fall over while a stranger follows them around shouting things.
Training: Watch Billy Elliot the Musical while wearing a tutu.
Canoe/Kayak (Sprint)
Description: One or more people paddle along as quickly as possible so as not to get a fine for having the boat back late.
Training: Watch Titanic while paddling for your life.
Canoe/Kayak (Slalom)
Description: One or more people go down rapids while trying not to get their hair wet.
Training: Run a bath and sit in it with a whisk while watching Mulan.
Diving
Description: One or more people jump off things in their pants.
Training: Practice being understated as Esther Williams & Busby Berkeley.
Equestrian/Dressage
Description: Similar to ballet except in ballet no-one sits on the ballerina. Training: Sit on the family dog while watching a dancing pony.
Equestrian/Eventing
Description: Also called horse trials. Choose this event if you want to meet the royal family.
Training: Watch Warhorse while trying to talk with a plum in your mouth.
Equestrian/Jumping
Description: Part Theatre, part Grand National.
Training: If you can’t afford a horse, just get a fairy godmother and a few mice.
Fencing
Description: Two people in bumble bee masks poke each other with sticks. Training: There can be few easier ways to learn a sport than watching pop star Kyuhyun perform The Three Musketeers in Korean.
Field Hockey
Description: Hockey, but in a field
Training: No need to actually learn to play Hockey – just adopt a jolly hockey sticks attitude.
Football
Description: Two teams try to kick a ball in opposite directions, swap, and then kick it the other way.
Training: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Beautiful Game will teach you far more about football than football lessons.
Golf
Description: People with sticks hit small white balls until someone gives up. Can last for days.
Training: Golf The Musical seems to contain everything you need to know.
Gymnastics (Artistic)
Description: Muscular young people wearing tight underwear bounce and swing on things.
Training: Instead of working out at the gym, pour a G&T and watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
Gymnastics (Rhythmic)
Description: Syncronised swimming for non-swimmers. Includes free ribbon and accessories.
Training: All you ever need to know about Rhythm you’ll learn from Crazy For You.
Handball
Description: A variant of Football perfected by Diego Maradona
Training: It’s easy to forget you are not playing football. Make it easier by cutting off your feet.
Judo
Description: Two drunks in pyjamas try to help each other stand up
Training: Just learn to play drunk…and then get some pyjamas.
Modern Pentathlon
Description: The only way to make the Modern Pentathlon more old fashioned would be to add riding a Penny Farthing.
Training: Wearing a cravat and Top Hat like Mame will prepare you perfectly for Modern Pentathlon.
Mountain Biking
Description: Ride as fast as possible across the mountains away from the Nazis Training: Watch Climb Every Mountain on repeat
Road Cycling
Description: Pedal as fast as you can and try to beat the other cyclists.
Training: If pedalling is getting too tiring, trade two wheels for eight.
Rowing
Description: In Britain, privately educated people who want to work may choose between politics and rowing.
Training: Pop group Take That have provided this handy training manual for state schools pupils.
Rugby Sevens
Description: Rugby Sevens is perfect if you like playing rugby but don’t have many friends.
Training: Find six other people and practice by running into each other.
Sailing
Description: Rather than drowning, many people prefer to go by boat. Training: Find a local lake and practice not drowning – you’ll find you’d rather be sailing.
Shooting
Description: Americans practice between Olympics by shooting each other. Training: Start by firing elastic bands at friends and then take some tips from Kim in Miss Saigon.
Swimming
Description: Almost anything goes in the pool – front, back or even stroking your opponent’s breasts.
Training: Most towns have a pool. Those that don’t watch Finding Nemo The Musical.
Synchronised Swimming
Description: A cross between ballet and drowning.
Training: Try to be understated like Esther Williams & Busby Berkeley.
Table Tennis
Description: Like tennis but you don’t need a garden.
Training: Priscilla Queen of the Desert taught us everything we know.
Taekwondo
Description: Two insomniacs in pyjamas try to kick each other to sleep. Training: Find a friend or neighbour who doesn’t mind when you jump out at them like a Musical Theatre Nerd.
Tennis
Description: People with bats argue over someone called Annette.
Training: The Tennis Song from City of Angels has it pretty much covered.
Track Cycling
Description: People in very tight Lycra whose parents won’t let them ride outside.
Training: Since exercise bikes are a waste of money, just watch the cycling on Little Britain.
Trampoline
Description: Jumping up and down whilst trying not to throw up
Training: Let’s Get Physical by buying a leotard and bouncing suggestively on the bed.
Triathlon
Description: Three methods of transport exist for those who can’t afford a taxi.
Training: Watching sports is exhausting, so just watch Mamma Mia instead.
Volleyball (Beach)
Description: Tanned, attractive people playing on the beach
Training: Be a Wonder Woman by wearing American Tan tights and just hope nobody notices your top half.
Volleyball (Indoor)
Description: Two teams of people try not to drop a ball on their side of a net. Training: Repeatedly throw balls into your neighbour’s garden until they sell up and move.
Water Polo
Description: Two teams play underwater handball wearing rain hats to keep their hair dry.
Training: Take a bath with a friend and clean up your Little Mermaid by passing the soap.
Weightlifting
Description: People decide who is strongest by lifting things up.
Training: Instead of working out at the gym, hire a personal trainer and watch them work out.
Wrestling (Freestyle)
Description: Two people try to grab each other suggestively.
Training: Rent a leotard and ask a friend or neighbour for a cuddle.
Wrestling (Greco-Roman)
Description: People try to cuddle while other people watch.
Training: Fondle a friend or neighbour – but no below the waist action!
If you’re feeling competitive and think you could be a Musical Theatre Olympian, try our Musical Theatre quiz!
