Could your Jazz Hands win an Olympic Gold?

Musical Theatre Olympics

Could you win an Olympic Gold Medal just by watching Musicals? Join us as we explain every Olympic Sport through the joy of jazz hands. So grab a leotard, a cane and a pair of ruby slippers and in a few short minutes you could find yourself on the winner’s podium without ever leaving Kansas City!

Archery
Description: Take turns pretending to be either Maid Marion or Friar Tuck.
Training: Watch the Dutch version of Robin Hood Das Musical whilst pinging elastic bands at the TV.

Athletics
Description: Choose between Running, Jumping or Throwing. Includes the “Discuss”, where people talk about important issues while chucking plates. Training: Settle down with a copy of Shirley Valentine and a Kebab. Then rather than doing the dishes, just smash the plates on the floor.

Badminton
Description: One or more people try to hit a small bird called a “shuffle cock” with a child’s tennis bat.
Training: Watch Bye Bye Birdie while throwing chicken nuggets into your neighbour’s garden.

Basketball
Description: Several very tall people try to put a ball in a basket not realising there is a hole in the bottom.
Training: Listen to Michael Jordan’s Ball from Full Monty, The Musical with an ice cold beer.

BMX
Description: Adults on children’s bikes completely ignore safety notices. Training: Buy the Anna, Elsa and Olaf Bicycle and watch how they do it.

Boxing

Two men
Boxing: Two people in giant mittens try to make each other fall over

Description: Two people in giant mittens try to make each other fall over while a stranger follows them around shouting things.
Training: Watch Billy Elliot the Musical while wearing a tutu.

Canoe/Kayak (Sprint)
Description: One or more people paddle along as quickly as possible so as not to get a fine for having the boat back late.
Training: Watch Titanic while paddling for your life.

Canoe/Kayak (Slalom)
Description: One or more people go down rapids while trying not to get their hair wet.
Training: Run a bath and sit in it with a whisk while watching Mulan.

Diving
Description: One or more people jump off things in their pants.
Training: Practice being understated as Esther Williams & Busby Berkeley.

Equestrian/Dressage
Description: Similar to ballet except in ballet no-one sits on the ballerina. Training: Sit on the family dog while watching a dancing pony.

Equestrian/Eventing
Description: Also called horse trials. Choose this event if you want to meet the royal family.
Training: Watch Warhorse while trying to talk with a plum in your mouth.

Equestrian/Jumping
Description: Part Theatre, part Grand National.
Training: If you can’t afford a horse, just get a fairy godmother and a few mice.

Fencing

Fencing: Two bo
Fencing: Two people in bumble bee masks try to sting each other

Description: Two people in bumble bee masks poke each other with sticks. Training: There can be few easier ways to learn a sport than watching pop star Kyuhyun perform The Three Musketeers in Korean.

Field Hockey
Description: Hockey, but in a field
Training: No need to actually learn to play Hockey – just adopt a jolly hockey sticks attitude.

Football
Description: Two teams try to kick a ball in opposite directions, swap, and then kick it the other way.
Training: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Beautiful Game will teach you far more about football than football lessons.

Golf
Description: People with sticks hit small white balls until someone gives up. Can last for days.
Training: Golf The Musical seems to contain everything you need to know.

Gymnastics (Artistic)
Description: Muscular young people wearing tight underwear bounce and swing on things.
Training: Instead of working out at the gym, pour a G&T and watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

Gymnastics (Rhythmic)
Description: Syncronised swimming for non-swimmers. Includes free ribbon and accessories.
Training: All you ever need to know about Rhythm you’ll learn from Crazy For You.

Handball
Description: A variant of Football perfected by Diego Maradona
Training: It’s easy to forget you are not playing football. Make it easier by cutting off your feet.

Judo

Two Drunks
Judo: Two Drunks in Pyjamas trying to stand up

Description: Two drunks in pyjamas try to help each other stand up
Training: Just learn to play drunk…and then get some pyjamas.

Modern Pentathlon
Description: The only way to make the Modern Pentathlon more old fashioned would be to add riding a Penny Farthing.
Training: Wearing a cravat and Top Hat like Mame will prepare you perfectly for Modern Pentathlon.

Mountain Biking
Description: Ride as fast as possible across the mountains away from the Nazis Training: Watch Climb Every Mountain on repeat

Road Cycling
Description: Pedal as fast as you can and try to beat the other cyclists.
Training: If pedalling is getting too tiring, trade two wheels for eight.

Rowing
Description: In Britain, privately educated people who want to work may choose between politics and rowing.
Training: Pop group Take That have provided this handy training manual for state schools pupils.

Rugby Sevens
Description: Rugby Sevens is perfect if you like playing rugby but don’t have many friends.
Training: Find six other people and practice by running into each other.

Sailing
Description: Rather than drowning, many people prefer to go by boat. Training: Find a local lake and practice not drowning – you’ll find you’d rather be sailing.

Shooting

American guns
Shooting: Americans practice by shooting each other.

Description: Americans practice between Olympics by shooting each other. Training: Start by firing elastic bands at friends and then take some tips from Kim in Miss Saigon.

Swimming
Description: Almost anything goes in the pool – front, back or even stroking your opponent’s breasts.
Training: Most towns have a pool. Those that don’t watch Finding Nemo The Musical.

Synchronised Swimming
Description: A cross between ballet and drowning.
Training: Try to be understated like Esther Williams & Busby Berkeley.

Table Tennis
Description: Like tennis but you don’t need a garden.
Training: Priscilla Queen of the Desert taught us everything we know.

Taekwondo
Description: Two insomniacs in pyjamas try to kick each other to sleep. Training: Find a friend or neighbour who doesn’t mind when you jump out at them like a Musical Theatre Nerd.

Tennis
Description: People with bats argue over someone called Annette.
Training: The Tennis Song from City of Angels has it pretty much covered.

Track Cycling
Description: People in very tight Lycra whose parents won’t let them ride outside.
Training: Since exercise bikes are a waste of money, just watch the cycling on Little Britain.

Trampoline

Tramp
Trampolinists: Just trying not to throw up

Description: Jumping up and down whilst trying not to throw up
Training: Let’s Get Physical by buying a leotard and bouncing suggestively on the bed.

Triathlon
Description: Three methods of transport exist for those who can’t afford a taxi.
Training: Watching sports is exhausting, so just watch Mamma Mia instead.

Volleyball (Beach)
Description: Tanned, attractive people playing on the beach
Training: Be a Wonder Woman by wearing American Tan tights and just hope nobody notices your top half.

Volleyball (Indoor)
Description: Two teams of people try not to drop a ball on their side of a net. Training: Repeatedly throw balls into your neighbour’s garden until they sell up and move.

Water Polo
Description: Two teams play underwater handball wearing rain hats to keep their hair dry.
Training: Take a bath with a friend and clean up your Little Mermaid by passing the soap.

Weightlifting
Description: People decide who is strongest by lifting things up.
Training: Instead of working out at the gym, hire a personal trainer and watch them work out.

Wrestling (Freestyle)
Description: Two people try to grab each other suggestively.
Training: Rent a leotard and ask a friend or neighbour for a cuddle.

Wrestling (Greco-Roman)
Description: People try to cuddle while other people watch.
Training: Fondle a friend or neighbour – but no below the waist action!

If you’re feeling competitive and think you could be a Musical Theatre Olympian, try our Musical Theatre quiz!